Month: November 2024

 

If you are really wanting to develop good communication skills, there are some things you need to know that will hinder and/or destroy your ability to communicate in a way that the other person will be able to receive your message.  Let’s look at some of the things you need to avoid. 

DEMANDING VS REQUESTING. 

There will be times you will need to request something you need.  But when your request turns into a demand, you have now let the other person know that you don’t care how he or she feels. Your demand has just cut off communication lines.  A demand is no longer asking if the person can meet your need, but you are telling them that they have no right to refuse you.  Communication has ended and major withdrawals from the love bank has taken place. 

Demands also make it less likely that the other person will ever want to meet that need. If you force them to meet the demand now, you are giving a strong signal that you’re unconcerned about their feelings or concerns.  And if you’re going to be self-centered in this request, what other areas will you abuse them next. 

A wiser approach would be to ask, ‘I’m really needing help with a situation I’m dealing with and I could really use your help.  Do you have time now or when would be a good time for you to help me?” This approach shows you desire help from them and also allows them to help when it is convenient.   

Make sure your request has a set time, for whatever it is, to be completed.  If not specific, their idea of helping could be days later.  And the request needs to be specific.  For instance, if you just ask for help around the house, the other person may not be able to help if it is something they have no knowledge about.  And the person receiving the request, needs to be specific as to why they may need to wait to help.   

 

DISRESPECT 

I have never met anyone who enjoyed being disrespected. This is one way to shut down all healthy communication.  And some people seem to be unaware of how they can disrespect others.  Something as simple as rolling your eyes to a statement, can destroy any further communication for the evening.   

What if you don’t respect the other person opinion?  You can state your opinion without being disrespectful.  And first, tell the other person what you just heard them say to make sure you heard what they were saying. Then clearly state why you believe what you do.  There will be many times you will disagree with others, but you can agree to disagree.  Never say anything that’s disrespectful. 

Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  

Attacking a person’s thoughts, opinions or character is uncalled for.  That includes your response to someone who has just attacked you verbally.  Never allow anyone to cause you to respond in a disrespectful way.  You are in charge of y our response and it should come from a heart of love, not destruction. If you need to, tell them you need to take a time out before you continue the conversation. Never give anyone the power over your words or feelings. 

When you respond in the same manner as the person treated you, you are now escalating the situation. And escalation can often lead to very serious negative consequences.  And often both individuals may feel sorry for their actions and words later, but they may never be forgotten.  And a time out is wise before escalation leads to destructive consequences. And this is a good time to ask yourself if this conversation will be putting deposits in the other persons ‘love bank’ or making withdrawals that could destroy the relationship. 

 

ANGER 

Anger is always intended to be hurtful.  Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” And in Ephesians 4:26 we read, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” One author says that when people are angry, they are experiencing temporary insanity.  Angry outbursts have no place in anyone’s life.  And this is especially true in a marriage.  Your spouse deserves a relationship of protection, care and love. 

Too often, people will respond to anger by withdrawing emotionally or physically.  No further healthy communication will take place. 

 

BRINGING UP THE PAST 

One of the greatest mistakes you can do is to keep bringing up a hurt from the past.  If you have dealt with the past and have forgiven the other person for the pain you experienced, you should never bring it up again.  You should have learned from it and now you will go on. Once God has forgiven us, He never brings it up again.  The Bible says there is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  It is not your job to play the ‘blame game’ or to keep reminding the other person of how much they hurt you.  Get help!  Find someone to help you deal with the pain and ask God to help you with a spirit of forgiveness.  Most people I have worked with are sincerely heartbroken over their mistake or sin that has caused pain. 

In our next time together, we will be looking at a technique to help us develop strong communication.  This technique is found in a book titled, “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg.  I highly recommend that you buy this book as it is a great tool to enhance your marriage. 

Her Diary: 

Dear diary, tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say,” I love you too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep- I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.  

His Diary: 

 Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure out why. 

I have had so many women ask, “Why won’t my husband talk to me?”  And one answer is, men do not seem to have as great a need for conversation as women do. Women can enjoy conversation, just for conversations sake.  They can spend hours just talking to friends or family.  While men rarely call each other just to talk. 

I remember the many fishing trips I’ve taken with another guy and when I got home, my wife asked me what we talked about or how is his wife. I never went on the trip to find out how his wife was and talking does not catch fish. We could ride for hours and not say more than 10 words. And once we arrived at the fishing hole, we only talked about who caught the first fish, who would catch the most and the biggest. 

Women often wonder why, when they were dating, the guy would talk to them about their life and their family.  Probably because he wanted to get to know her.  And finding out about her family, is important in knowing more about her background and understanding more about her programming. Also, the more he knows about her, the more he will learn about how to attract her. 

Then they get married! Now, this is not always true but, once he has convinced her to marry him and they get married, he doesn’t seem to need the conversation time with her.  He set out to win her, or maybe in an unconscious way, to conquer the prize he wanted and now that they are married, he doesn’t have to work on it anymore. Now he is looking for a new prize to gain or capture.  Often this will be his career, a hobby or something to save money for, like a boat, car or a new set of golf clubs. 

He fails to understand that his willingness to spend time, in intimate conversation, was a major reason she became so attracted to him. With this now removed from her daily life, he is making withdrawals from her love bank (see podcast on love bank). And he has no idea that he is risking losing her love.  And also, he is not realizing that he is making her very vulnerable to a guy who is willing to spend time in conversation with her. And while that relationship just starts with conversation, it may lead to an affair. 

Because females are relational creatures, they want to spend their life with a man who cares deeply about her and for her. They want to be known by him and to know him.  That only comes in time through intimate conversation. And it doesn’t stop after marriage.  It must be a daily.  

Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, says to find out how much time a couple should spend together in intimate conversation, he did a study with couples who were in love.  He worked with couples who were dating, couples who had maintained romantic love while married and couples having affairs. For those who maintained their love for each other, they scheduled time to be together almost every day. And the time spent each week was almost always over fifteen hours.  And the primary purpose of that time was to engage in intimate conversation. 

Now I know what you’re thinking.  With your schedule, that is impossible. And most women would be happy for her husband to spend 10 minutes a day.  But guys, how much time did you spend giving your wives undivided attention when you were dating? And ladies, if you married a guy that never gave you undivided attention while you were dating, then why did you marry him? 

And both men and women need to look at the time they spend in other activities and decide what their priorities are.  You should always be asking the question, “Is what I do or say putting deposits in the Love Bank account or making withdrawals?”  The undivided time you gave each other while dating, was making deposits into each other’s Love Bank accounts.  How can you continue building those accounts? 

For those who decide they don’t have the time to spend with each other, they risk losing their feeling of love for each other. When the woman no longer senses her husband’s care to give her the intimacy, she needs in communication and affection, she will lose all desire to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. 

So, men, just as sexual fulfillment is a need and not just a desire, you must understand that a women’s need for intimate conversation is also a need and not just a desire. 

We will continue our information on communication next time as we look at heading into the ‘danger zone’.  By J Douglas

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average about 15,000 words a day, whereas woman use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women used twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, “What?” 

I haven’t read some authors that agree that women speak twice as many words a day as men and I’ve read some authors that say they all speak exactly the same amount. So, I’ll let you decide how that is in your relationship, but we’re going to talk about this. 

Many of the men I worked with have told me, if we use the numbers in the story above, that they use about 14,999 words at work.  And their words have to do with talking about work or other things dealing with sporting activities.  When they get home, they have one word left.   

For the woman, she’s used to about 15,000 words at work and comes home with about 15,000 more words to use. In the early days of their marriage, she can’t wait till her husband comes home and they can talk about their day. She wants to hear what he did, what was going on in his job and she’s hoping he will ask about hers because she wants to talk about her day and everything that’s gone on with her. So, let’s say she comes home from work before he does, and when he comes in the door, her first question may be, “Hey honey how was your day?”.  If you look at the numbers that he’s already used, he has about one word left. So instead of talking about his day, he will say something like’ fine’. So she may ask another question about how his day went and he will say okay. She asks about somebody he works with; you know how he’s doing, and the husband will probably say he’s doing OK. And there’s really not much conversation coming from the husband. 

 Now this could create a problem with the wife thinking,” God, why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Why doesn’t he want to share his work with me? Why do I have to try to get conversation out of him?”  

 I’ve also read that one of the things a husband should do when he first gets home, is to go off to his cave. He needs about 15 or 20 minutes of either doing nothing or reading the paper or something just to unwind from work. And again, especially in the early years of the marriage, a wife can’t wait to see him, so this creates a problem. 

Ladies know that, to get acquainted with other people, you have to spend time with them and communicate with them. In the early times of dating, the lady and the guy have spent a lot of time talking, whether it’s over the phone, or it’s texting, or it’s just going out to get a coffee or something just to spend time together. So now she’s wondering what happened to those times that they spent so much time together. Now they’re married and he seems to not have time for her anymore or just doesn’t seem to communicate with her anymore. What’s the problem?  

 When they were dating, they never seemed to find enough time to be together but now that they’re married, he just doesn’t seem to want to spend time with her. A man needs to realize that a woman can feel less important just by comparing the amount of time her husband spends with her to the time he spends elsewhere. In this day and age, it’s amazing how important the computer seems to be or the games of the computer seem to be to the guy versus time with his wife. This is a problem! 

 I know of one individual, where as soon as you get home, he went straight to his room and played on the computer for hours. The wife really got tired of him never having time for her.  When the wife came in for counseling, she told me that her needs for time and affection were not being met. So, when her husband was spending so much time in the computer room, she had gotten more involved with the neighbor. And they were actually in the living room of her home, when her husband was home, having an affair. It sad that she knew that her husband would spend so much time, in his own house with her there, that he’d never come out and see what she was doing. 

Intimate conversation happens when you take time to be together. It can take place after you put your kids to bed. It can take place by going out and having a date night, maybe once a week. Or it’s just the two of you asking about the goals that each other has and you talking about the dreams you have together. For the empty nesters, it may be trying to figure out how to get along with each other now that you have no kids at home. It’s spending that time listening to the heart of the other person, becoming so much a part of that other person.  

Here’s some little thoughts of wisdom that go along with this. Guys, give her your shoulders not your mouth. What I mean by this, it’s amazing how we guys want to be fixers when our ladies come to us.  When we talk about an issue or a problem she’s dealing with at work or at home with a family, we want to hurry up and fix the problem for her. And you know there’s so many times that before she even finishes telling us what the problem or situation is, we’re already giving her solutions. We’ve already quit listening which comes to the important part. She needs us to listen when she’s talking. We need to give her direct eye contact. She wants to know that we’re paying attention to what she’s saying. And we might even find ways to repeat back what we’ve heard. To say,” Honey is this what you’re telling me? This is what I heard.” At which time, it allows her to say,” Well, let me explain it a little bit better.” Or she may say, “Yes honey that’s what I’m saying.” and it means so much for her to know that you are listening and understanding. You’re not just hearing the words but you’re understanding her heart. 

 And just a few other more updates of wisdom. Guys, sarcasm is not a good thing to use with your lady. We can use it with other guys all the time and it’s fun, it’s cute, but using it with the lady is not a good thing to do. Because she will hear it as putting her down or telling her that you don’t think much of her, and that is not healthy. 

 And if you’ve really done something that’s hurt her, let me tell you one phrase to get rid of in your vocabulary. That phrase is, “I’m sorry”.  My first response would be yes you are.  What that phrase is asking for is absolutely nothing. It’s just making you feel better that you finally confessed to something or you feel sorry about something you’ve done but that’s not asking for a response from the other person. When you’ve really done something to hurt her, the first words from your mouth needs to be, “Will you forgive me.” At that point you’re asking for a response from her and you’re also going to find out just how much you may have hurt her by her response. And her response may be, “I’m not ready to forgive you yet.” And instead of telling her, “Well you should forgive me.” You need to say, okay when you’re ready please tell me so we can talk about it. 

Let her know you honor her. That’s she is the most valuable person in your life. And, while your words are not enough, because they must be supported with action, your willingness to communicate your heart is what she needs.  By J Douglas