If you are really wanting to develop good communication skills, there are some things you need to know that will hinder and/or destroy your ability to communicate in a way that the other person will be able to receive your message. Let’s look at some of the things you need to avoid.
DEMANDING VS REQUESTING.
There will be times you will need to request something you need. But when your request turns into a demand, you have now let the other person know that you don’t care how he or she feels. Your demand has just cut off communication lines. A demand is no longer asking if the person can meet your need, but you are telling them that they have no right to refuse you. Communication has ended and major withdrawals from the love bank has taken place.
Demands also make it less likely that the other person will ever want to meet that need. If you force them to meet the demand now, you are giving a strong signal that you’re unconcerned about their feelings or concerns. And if you’re going to be self-centered in this request, what other areas will you abuse them next.
A wiser approach would be to ask, ‘I’m really needing help with a situation I’m dealing with and I could really use your help. Do you have time now or when would be a good time for you to help me?” This approach shows you desire help from them and also allows them to help when it is convenient.
Make sure your request has a set time, for whatever it is, to be completed. If not specific, their idea of helping could be days later. And the request needs to be specific. For instance, if you just ask for help around the house, the other person may not be able to help if it is something they have no knowledge about. And the person receiving the request, needs to be specific as to why they may need to wait to help.
DISRESPECT
I have never met anyone who enjoyed being disrespected. This is one way to shut down all healthy communication. And some people seem to be unaware of how they can disrespect others. Something as simple as rolling your eyes to a statement, can destroy any further communication for the evening.
What if you don’t respect the other person opinion? You can state your opinion without being disrespectful. And first, tell the other person what you just heard them say to make sure you heard what they were saying. Then clearly state why you believe what you do. There will be many times you will disagree with others, but you can agree to disagree. Never say anything that’s disrespectful.
Proverbs 15:1 – “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Attacking a person’s thoughts, opinions or character is uncalled for. That includes your response to someone who has just attacked you verbally. Never allow anyone to cause you to respond in a disrespectful way. You are in charge of y our response and it should come from a heart of love, not destruction. If you need to, tell them you need to take a time out before you continue the conversation. Never give anyone the power over your words or feelings.
When you respond in the same manner as the person treated you, you are now escalating the situation. And escalation can often lead to very serious negative consequences. And often both individuals may feel sorry for their actions and words later, but they may never be forgotten. And a time out is wise before escalation leads to destructive consequences. And this is a good time to ask yourself if this conversation will be putting deposits in the other persons ‘love bank’ or making withdrawals that could destroy the relationship.
ANGER
Anger is always intended to be hurtful. Proverbs 29:11 – “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” And in Ephesians 4:26 we read, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” One author says that when people are angry, they are experiencing temporary insanity. Angry outbursts have no place in anyone’s life. And this is especially true in a marriage. Your spouse deserves a relationship of protection, care and love.
Too often, people will respond to anger by withdrawing emotionally or physically. No further healthy communication will take place.
BRINGING UP THE PAST
One of the greatest mistakes you can do is to keep bringing up a hurt from the past. If you have dealt with the past and have forgiven the other person for the pain you experienced, you should never bring it up again. You should have learned from it and now you will go on. Once God has forgiven us, He never brings it up again. The Bible says there is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It is not your job to play the ‘blame game’ or to keep reminding the other person of how much they hurt you. Get help! Find someone to help you deal with the pain and ask God to help you with a spirit of forgiveness. Most people I have worked with are sincerely heartbroken over their mistake or sin that has caused pain.
In our next time together, we will be looking at a technique to help us develop strong communication. This technique is found in a book titled, “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg. I highly recommend that you buy this book as it is a great tool to enhance your marriage.