Month: October 2024

We’re going to be talking about the importance of communication for a female. To start it, I want to share a story with you to again give you an idea of just how totally different men and women are when it comes to communication’ 

Keywords and their meaning. 

FINE 

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel that we are right about but need to shut up.  Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 

This is half an hour. it is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade. 

NOTHING 

This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) 

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”. 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft “Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 

OH 

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that”. Or “Oh I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window. But do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. “0h” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go Ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them. 

THAT’S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” it’s often used with the word “Fine’ and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future, when she has plotted and planned, you’re going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”. 

THANKS 

A woman is thinking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different than “Thanks”.  A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh’ as she will only tell you “Nothing”. 

Now that you enjoyed how different we may define words in our communications, let’s see why intimate conversation is important to women. 

A good place to start, is looking at some of the emotional differences between men and women. Women tend to be more personal than men. And they have a deeper interest in people and feelings and in building relationships. Men are often more preoccupied with things that can be understood through logical deduction. And guys love to be involved in conqueror-oriented activities, wanting to compete for dominance whether it’s in the work area or on the sports field. Guys love things like football, boxing, hockey, fishing and hunting.  They talk about how their team is the best, their fish is the largest and their animal was mounted because it was so big. There’re a few women who love this kind of stuff but why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? I mean there’s not a lot of personal relationships taking place in the boxing match. Women love reading the books that have to do with the relationships. It’s usually women who have a greater love for God and the relationships she can develop with other women. Men don’t seem too interested in building intimate relationships with women or with other men.  

If she is more personal and is relationship centered, how does she develop the relationships?  She takes time to know people and that mostly takes place through communication. Women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them. 

Let me give you an example.  Have you ever invited friends over without first asking your wife? I will never forget when I made that mistake early in my life.  You would have thought I had insulted her and attempted to make her look bad in front of the guest.  What I didn’t understand at the time, was that her house was such a part of who she was, and since I didn’t give her time to clean house, she was afraid they would think less of her as a person. And of course, to try to defend myself, I said, “They just came over to spend time with us. They didn’t come to look at the house”.  I had no idea how much her home was a part of her.   

And along this same line, and I will close with this, until our next time together on this subject, I made another mistake when we were getting ready to move.  My family was a military family which meant we moved often. And to me, a move was just a move.  No attachment to what I was leaving behind. 

Well, I learned that a female may have to move but she also is dealing with what she is leaving behind.  I came home one day after work to find my wife crying. Ok, I do know moving is harder for some than for others, so I asked what had her upset.  The response was not what I expected.  She said, “The curtains in the living room probably won’t fit the windows in the house we end up living in”.  And being a guy, I said we would just buy new curtains.  But everything in our house had become a part of who she was. 

Women become an intimate part of the things and people who are important to her.  And that is especially true of communication.  Look for part two of communication, coming out soon. 

By J Douglas

A young man learns what’s most important in life from the guy next door. 

 It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girl’s, career and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing can stop him. 

 Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr Belzer died last night. The funeral’s Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old news reel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days, 

 “Jack did you hear me?” 

 “Oh,  sorry mom. Yes I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago.” Jack said. 

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him, he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence’ as he put it,” Mom told him. 

 “I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said. “You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belzer stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said. 

 “He’s the one who taught me carpentry. I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” 

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mister Belzer’s funeral was small and uneventful’ He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. 

 The night before he had to return home, Jack and his mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. 

 Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture. Then Jack stopped suddenly. 

 “What’s wrong Jack?” his mom asked. “The box is gone,” he said. “What box?” mom asked. “There was a small gold . box that he kept locked on top of his desk I must have asked him 1000 times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most.” 

 Well, it was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belzer family had taken it. “Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.” 

 It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belzer died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read. 

 Early the next day, Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed 100 years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. 

 Mr. Harold Belzer, it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside. 

“Upon my death, please forward this box in its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. 

 Inside he found these words engraved: “Jack, thanks for your time! Harold Belzer.” 

 “The thing he valued most… was …my time.”  

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. “Why?” his assistant asked. “I need some time to spend with my son,” he said. “Oh, by the way, Janet… thanks for your time!” 

 Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. 

 Have a good day. And thank you for your time. By J Douglas

If you just finished reading part one of A Man’s Greatest Need, you know we’re going to be talking about the stages of sexual experience.  And most men I know, would say, “What do you mean stages?  I thought there was only one”.  Let’s look at the stages that are important for a meaningful sexual experience. 

The first stage is willingness. now for the husband, his willingness is usually motivated by his sexual desire. for the wife, it’s motivated by her emotional connection to him. Men seem to have a desire for sex often because of their relatively high levels of testosterone. Most wives would say that sex is almost all they ever think about. And many men would say they do have many thoughts daily.  Women can also crave sex, but usually only once or twice a month. 

I have often mentioned that a man is turned on by sight.  That’s why, after almost no showing of affection to his wife, he can be ready for sex just watching her shower.  And this often makes her feel unappreciated and only his sex toy. Women are willing to have sex with her husband as a means to show him her appreciation for him meeting her needs for affection. She is willing to meet his needs if she is expecting to enjoy a time of lovemaking and not just sex.  

Arousal is the second stage.  As I said earlier, men are turned on by sight. That’s why men are the ones who buy the magazines, calendars, videos, and spend time on their computers, looking at nude women.  Men are like light switches; they can be turned off one second and turned on the next.  Arousal comes easily and may happen many times a day. And while most of his responses are from visual responses, they can also come from daydreaming or night dreaming. 

Women may often get upset when they notice their man looking at another woman.  They need to understand that he is not being promiscuous or unfaithful.  Often, he doesn’t realize it.  But to this natural tendency, I also try to convince men to be sensitive to their wife’s and how they are feeling seeing his actions.  I’ve also worked with women who don’t mind them looking because they are secure in their skin and know their husband wants them more than anyone else. So, know how each of you feel about looking at the opposite sex.  Because this does go both ways.  While women may enjoy looking at a nice male body, she is usually appreciating looking without getting aroused. 

Some women do not understand men’s reactions to looking at women because her arousal usually does not come from visual stimulation.  I have often counseled men that when they are getting out of the shower, it will probably do nothing to arouse their spouse. His arousal can be immediate while hers is more a conscious decision.  If she wants to enjoy love making, she will encourage him to touch her in ways that lead to arousal. And she will be more responsive to intercourse when he has taken the time to bring her to arousal.  If she is not sure what her body needs for arousal, he needs to be very caring and responsive to her request to have him help her learn.  Don’t expect her to want and enjoy the same things you do.  Take time to learn from each other. This time together is so much more than sex.  It is a time of becoming one in so many ways. 

The third stage is plateau and reaching this is also different for both men and women. Most men can reach this stage quickly and with little stimulation while a woman needs more stimulation.  This is often a serious sexual problem for the couple. Men can come to climax too soon leaving the woman with needs going unmet.  Although I have heard men lie about how many climaxes they can achieve in a short time, a women’s body is capable of enjoying many in a very short time.  Men need to learn this and they need to realize that bringing her to climax first, does not mean she cannot achieve it again immediately.  A sensitive man, caring for his wife’s needs, will make sure her needs are met before his if that is what is needed.  And if this remains a problem in the relationship, find a counselor that can help explain in more detail.  Or read a good book on the subject.  His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, is one such book. 

The fourth stage is the climax.  While most would consider this the ultimate goal for both partners, it doesn’t always turn out that way. Anxiety is often associated with this stage because one of the persons may have performance fear.  Pleasure should be the outcome of the sexual relation, and not performance.  Too often, a spouse may have heard the other person talk about previous partners and experiences and they do not believe they can live up to the other persons skills.  And one of the partners may only want to please the other, making the other wonder if they are not good enough to perform. This is where true communication must take place.  Before you begin the lovemaking, talk about what you are wanting in the outcome. A good sexual relationship will make sure that each have enjoyed the time together. 

And recovery is the final stage.  Too often this stage is skipped or never known to be a stage.  I have heard from women that the husband either falls to sleep almost immediately or they go back to their tv or computer games.   

This is a time for both partners to enjoy being in each other’s arms, sharing how much the time together meant to them.  Maybe talking about something they are looking forward to, or just being silent.  It’s an important time of affection for the female.  

Learn what your spouse’s needs are and then meet them the way they need to have them met. 

By J Douglas

I’ve mentioned in a previous podcast that we’re going to be looking at the top five greatest needs of men and women in the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Williard F. Harley, Jr. And while these needs may not be your top five, it would be good to use the book as a guide. The book explains why your needs are different or the same.  Share why your priority of needs are different.  While learning each other’s needs is vitally important to your happiness, you must realize that learning them is not enough.  You must learn how to meet the needs. And you must realize that meeting the needs the way the other person needs them met, is an absolute necessity.  Too often we try to meet them the way we think they should be met according to our thinking.  And that could be the furthest from the truth.  Men and women are so different in so many ways and that is a gift from God.  How boring would it be if we were exactly alike in all ways? So get ready to learn what most of us were never taught. It is impossible to meet needs you are unaware of.  Ok, it is impossible to meet needs you are unaware of.  Each person has a responsibility to be aware of your spouse’s needs.  And you have to take time to learn how to meet those needs.  When you took your vows, you were saying, I will meet your needs, and I agree to not let anyone else to meet them. That is a great responsibility. So, let’s get started learning the needs and how to meet them. From the following list, write down the ones that you believe belong to the male and to the female. And no talking to the other person to see what they think.  You will be learning what they think soon enough. Then put them in the order you think goes from most important to least important. Financial Support, Recreational Companionship, An Attractive Spouse, Family Commitment, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation Domestic Support, Admiration, Affection, Honesty & Openness Now some of you may have the same needs and that is good to find out.  But even with the same needs, how the other person needs them met could be different from how you need them met. Let’s start with the greatest need of a woman.  Affection-the cement of a relationship. To most women, affection stands for security, protection, comfort and approval of who they are. It tells them that they are a priority to someone. And men, you need to make sure you understand how to meet that need.  And how do you do that?  Ask her how she needs to have it met.  And never make her feel foolish by expressing how to meet the need.  It is her need not yours.  Too often, men don’t want to invest the time to learn and then apply what they learn.  And for any men reading this, I can say you have plenty of time to invest in your job, hobbies or just hanging out with other guys.  Hear this.  After God, your wife is your greatest priority according to Scripture. When the two of you become one, that means she is more important than your mom, dad, kids, hobbies, and your friends.  You are not one with anyone or anything else. Affection can be shown to her in many ways.  A hug, cards, flowers, dinner dates, phone calls, and holding her hand in public.  And ask her what some other ways are. Holding her hand in public can say to her and everyone else that sees you, that you love her, and you are not ashamed to let the world know it.  You may think a hug is not important but human touch is so important to health of body and spirit. Now ladies, if you haven’t learned it yet, most men think affection has to do with sex.  And you will need to explain to him that it is not the same.  That kind of affection does not communicate that he cares about you.  It communicates he wants sex, and sadly, many men don’t ever want to be affectionate. They see it as unmanly.   But the important thing is this, when it comes to meeting our spouse’s needs, we are not to be self-centered but centered on loving our spouse as they need to be loved.  And you will probably hear me say this again, I am talking about meeting NEEDS, not desires.  Our needs being met are like having air to breathe.  We will die inside if our needs are not met. Or we will find someone else to meet those needs. Affection is so important for women that they don’t understand why men don’t respond in ways they do.  A woman may call her husband at work and wonder why he never calls her at work just to hear her voice. A couple I was working with, the wife was going by where her husband worked to put a flower under his wiper blade. After a few weeks, with no response from him, she asked him why he never appreciated the flowers.  He looked at her and said, ‘So you’re the one whose been doing that.  I was wondering why anyone would do that.  I have been throwing them on the ground. Ladies, he may love you, but you also need to realize that his need for that sign of affection is nonexistent. Now, let me remind you ladies.  You have to teach him how to meet your needs. And a point about communication that I will probably mention again later.  Men are not mind readers.  Don’t assume he will always know what you want and how to give it to you.  And hear this!  Don’t ever believe that if you give him enough hints, he will figure it out. Hints will almost never go into his thinking.  Hints never enter his ears.  Tell him what you need. I had a wife say that if she had to tell him what she wanted, he just didn’t love her.  And I told her that if she didn’t want to tell him, then enjoy a life of not receiving. Ladies you must become good coaches when it comes to letting your spouse know what your needs are and how you would like to have them met. You may think that affection comes naturally to people who are in love. But our needs are different so be willing to be patient as you teach your man how to love you the way you need to be loved. We will talk a little more about this in the next podcast and then get into a man’s most important need. By J Douglas

I’ve had so many couples coming to my office for pre marriage counseling and I’ve asked them what kind of spouse are you going to be?  They say, “I really desire to be a good spouse.” Well let’s talk about that for just a second before we get into the top need for males and females. Your desire to be a good spouse is absolutely worthless if you do not get the training you need. I’ll give you an example: I used to always ask people if they would like to go to Hawaii? They’d smile and say they’d love to. I’d tell them I had always desired to be a pilot and I’d been thinking of renting a plane and I’d take them for free if they’d like to go. I’d tell them that I had always had a desire to be a pilot, but I’d never learned how to fly a plane. Suddenly no one wanted to go with me to Hawaii and I really didn’t blame them because that’d be pretty foolish to say that I was going to fly a plane just because I had a desire. So, desire is worthless unless you get the training and that’s what we’re going to talk about. The importance of getting the training you need to be a good spouse. So, let’s start with the greatest need for most women and for most men.  Most men really don’t understand how to give women the affection they need and most women really don’t understand how to have meet the husband’s sexual needs.  So many times, in counseling, I have had to explain to men that women and men speak different languages.  Why?  Because most men will say that if a woman’s greatest need is affection and his is sexual fulfillment, they are the same.  No, they are not the same.   But the guys say, “I’m really affectionate when I am having sex”.  I’m sorry men, those two words have greatly different meanings. For most men, affection in marriage is synonymous with sex. For most women, affection is taking time to just be together. It’s a hug! A hug can say so many things to a woman, that she’s important and that he loves her. Guys we need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. They just want to be important to you and for the wife there can hardly be enough hugs. Hugging again is a skill that most men need to develop to show their wife affection. It’s so easy, so simple.  It’s one of the most effective ways to build the love bank account in their wife’s life. There are other ways to show affection to her. Give her a card or a love note for no special reason.  But I must warn you, if you do not normally do that, she may think that you are up to something or have done something you haven’t told her about. Seriously, never forget to give her a gift for her birthday, and make sure it’s not a vacuum cleaner. And never forget an anniversary gift. I was briefing a group of guys that were getting ready to deploy overseas and after the briefing, they had one more day before they left.  I told them to go immediately to the store and buy some cards to mail to their spouses. And I was sure to remind them to also buy stamps.  Sometimes we forget the simple things.    And to make sure they put a card in the mail the next day before they deployed. It paid off big time for those who did what I suggested.  The wives could not believe that their husbands were so considerate.   And the amazing thing was that every card that was mailed later on, made wives believe that their man had gone out of his way to find a place to buy a card while he was so busy at work.   Now that thoughtfulness was putting deposits in her love bank. Another great idea is to leave love notes in a dresser draw where you know she will find them, much sooner than we would. And if she likes flowers, make sure to send her flowers, just because.  I would send them to my wife at work and she was the queen of the day when everyone would see the flowers and ask her what the occasion was, and she would admit there was no special occasion.  Now I have to admit, I probably made a few husbands uneasy, but I also was hoping I was teaching them. And here is another way to show her affection and that is planning a special night out.  Now the important part is, you call the babysitter.  I have to admit, that was something I really had a hard time doing.  And also make sure her schedule is open that evening and she has not already planned a meal. Ok, here are a few more ideas.  A sensitive husband should always open the door for her.  And do it for other females when you have the opportunity.  I have only had one woman tell me that she could get her own door.  I have also opened the doors for ladies as they were getting into the car next to me. Sadly, they would look at their husbands and say, “At least someone knows how to be a gentleman”.  And I would quickly get in my car and drive off before the husband came to thank me. Holding hands is another effective way of showing affection. Also, phone calls letting her know you are on the way home from work and asking if she needs you to stop at the store and pick up anything. From a woman’s point of view, affection is usually the greatest need she has and you meeting that need is the most important action you can give her. And men, you need to understand it usually has nothing to do with sex. Because you see affection as part of foreplay, you assume she feels the same way. And that is so far from the truth. I remember a lady telling me that she would not give her husband a hug when he came home because he would take it the wrong way. And it made me wonder how many men arrived home wondering why their wife didn’t care to hug them. Well, more to come on the most important need of a woman. By J Douglas

We were meant to be in relationships with others. the Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. Think about that for a moment God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit. So that means we were made in the image of a perfect relationship. We are relational to the core of our being. Jesus said it very well when he was asked what the greatest commandment was, he said to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your strength and then he said the second is like this, you’re to love one another.   The need to love and to be loved is a foundation of all relationships. The female will never understand her life as a woman until she understands this: you are passionately loved by God, but you also need to know that you are passionately hated by the enemy. Let’s talk about this hatred by the enemy. Ephesians 6:12 says we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. The assault on females has a long history and it cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil that were warned about in the scriptures. This is not to say that women aren’t also assaulted by men and other women, but we need to understand why there’s such a special hatred by the enemy. Let’s go back to the Garden of Eden. Who did Satan go after? Why does he single out for his move against the human race a female? He could have chosen Adam, but he didn’t. Satan went after Eve. He set his sights on her. Have you ever wondered why? Might have been like any predator. He chose what he believed would be the weaker of the two, but I don’t think that’s true. He’s ruthless but we believe there is more. Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity? Well let’s go back and look a little bit in the scriptures. After God created Adam in his image, He knew creation was not complete. So, he created Eve. Eve became the completion of creation. She wasn’t just an afterthought, but she was the crown of creation, and she too was created in the image of God. What part of God? The relational part of God.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit that perfect relation. That’s how Eve was created and a woman’s deep desire and capacity for intimate relationships is a reflection of God. As we go back and look at Scripture, we see that Satan’s first name was Lucifer. He was the most beautiful angel that had ever been created. Many believe he was a captain of the Angel armies of God, perfect and beautiful. That’s the enemy. He was gorgeous, he was breathtaking and because of this it destroyed him. Pride entered his heart. As an angel he came to believe he’d been cheated somehow, and he wanted the worship that was being given to God. He wanted it all for himself. So, he didn’t merely play a role in a story, he wanted the story to be all about him so let’s see what he did. Satan fell because of this beauty.  Now he assaults beauty. He destroys it and our natural world wherever he can. I mean think of things in society like strip mines, oil spills, all kinds of destruction that mankind has done to this earth. Satan loves it when beauties destroyed. Which is why he hates Eve and why is that? Well, she’s beautiful and more beautiful than anything else in all creation.  She was created in God’s image, the relationship image of God. So, Satan hates her with a jealousy that we can only imagine. And there is more. The evil one also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth not men. Women nourish life. Satan was a murderer from the beginning. According to John 8:44, scripture says he brings death, his is a kingdom of death. Rituals, sacrifices, genocide, Holocaust, and abortion are all his ideas. Thus, Eve is his greatest human threat for she brings life. If you’re really tired with living with all the struggles that you have with your identity and with the enemy, there’s an answer for you.  I have good news for you. There’s one greater than your enemy and that’s God. Your true identity is based on God’s plan for your life which is based on unconditional love and acceptance by God. And I know there’s an awful lot of misconception of who God is and I know that’s why so many people want to stay away from Him. And sadly, I also know that the church is as much a part of that as the world is. But let’s look at some of the positive things about who God is and what he has to offer. God really does want you to know who you are. He wants you to understand why you’re here and what His plans are for you today and in the future. As a woman, you’re the bearer of the image of God, the crown of creation. You are chosen before time and are wholly and dearly loved. What does God want from you? He wants a personal, intimate relationship with you. That intimate relationship is one where you talk heart to heart to Him. It involves your emotional, physical closeness to Him and it’s where you can be known by Him and have a peace knowing that everything you say to Him is in complete confidence. That’s the kind of relationship that’s based on honesty, trust, respect, appreciation and self-disclosure. That’s what God wants with you, and you can have that with God. He wants the same thing that you want. He wants to be loved. He wants to be known by you. He wants intimacy with you. And to have that intimacy with God you have to offer it to him. Who are you? Be a child of God. First John chapter four verse fifteen says if anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the son of God, God lives in them and they in God. Jesus left Heaven and came to Earth. He lived a very tough and lonely life at times. He was crucified on a cross and He rose from the dead He did all of that for you. And He loves you so much and want you to accept His love. First John verse 9 says, “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. That’s the life that God promises for you and me when we accept Him. Let’s find out what it means to be a child of God and how that defines who we are as we look at more scripture First John chapter three verse one says, ‘See how great a love the father has bestowed on us that we would be called children of God and such we are’. So, what defines who we are? Our new life in Christ. Our identity doesn’t come from our physical life, which is temporal, but it comes from our spiritual life which is eternal. That’s what Jesus came to give us. Understanding our identity in Christ is essential for living the Christian life. We cannot consistently behave in ways that are inconsistent with what we believe about ourselves. So, we must believe who we are as children of God, and we can look at scriptures that define that. John chapter one verse 11 says I am God’s child. John chapter 15 verse 15 says, I am Christ friend. First Corinthians chapter 12 verse 27 says, I’m a member of Christ’s body. Ephesians chapter one verse 1 says, I am holy I am a saint, and a saint here is defined as someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, not someone who is sinless but someone who desires to sin less. Ephesians 1:5 says I’ve been adopted as God’s child. First Corinthians chapter 3:16 and First Corinthians chapter 6 verse19 says, I am a temple of God his spirit and his life dwells in me. Colossians 3:12 says, I am chosen of God holy and dearly loved. First Peter 5:8 says, I’m an enemy of the devil. First Peter 5:8 says, I’m born of God and the evil one the devil cannot touch me. Because you have accepted Christ in your life, every one of these characteristics are completely true of you. Choose to believe this and live a life of knowing who you are. So many people suffer day to day because they do not know who they are. But you can know. You can believe it and you can live it. Ladies, an excellent book that will help you really understand what a woman is created for, is, ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge. By J Douglas

I’m going to show you how to build an intimate relationship with each other that will actually continue to increase year after year.  For the guys reading this, I’m not talking just about intimate sexual relationships, although that will be discussed in future podcast. I’m talking about a relationship where you really get to know one another and to be known and accepted for who you are. The kind of relationship that involves honesty, trust, respect and open communication. Love is a foundation of all relationships. We were meant to be in relationships with others. The Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. Now think about that for just a moment, God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. We were made in their image. That means we were made in the image of a perfect relationship. We are relational to the core of our being. Jesus said that very well when he was asked what the greatest commandment is. He said to love the Lord Your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength and then he said the second is like this you are to love one another. The need to love and to be loved is a foundation of all relationships. Let’s talk about your love bank. In your love bank, you have an account for everybody that you come into contact with. And in this love bank, it’s just like, I guess, most people’s bank accounts.  You have deposits and you have withdrawals. And of course, each deposit, each withdrawal is usually different. Sometimes higher, sometimes lower but we still make deposits and withdrawals. So, let’s see how this works. You have a friend in your life and the two of you seem to enjoy the same activities. You’d like to cheer for the same football team or basketball team or softball team. You just really enjoy one another and as you spend time together the account is getting deposits put into it.  Before long that account could be pretty full without you even realizing it and you also realize, with somebody with that kind of an account, you would do about anything for them. Now let’s look at the other extreme.   You meet a new person and you’re not real sure about them, so you decide to give them a chance but the more you spend time with each other the more you realize that there’s just no deposits being made at all. Why continue the account. Then there’s those accounts that have been pretty full at one time, but it seems withdrawals have been slowly taking place over time.   One of times this happens is in a marriage.  Everything goes great for the first few years and then something takes place in the marriage. Let’s say a child comes into the marriage which both people were looking forward to. But suddenly the child is creating more demands on each other’s time. The child needs the parents care and sometimes one parent expects the other one to do more of the care giving than expected and what’s happening over time is small withdrawals taking place toward that other person and so again that’s just one of the other accounts we’re talking about. Now let’s just look at a scenario let’s talk about John and Mary. When John and Mary met, they got along pretty well pretty quickly and as they continued to date and spend time with each other, the more and more deposits were being put in to their love bank.   They made plans to get married and they had what would be considered probably the perfect wedding. Now, let me add something here that I honestly believe most people are unaware of. I’ve discovered it as I’ve worked with thousands of couples. I find it amazing when you’re dating, you’re going by programming that’s in your mind as to what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating now who knows where the programming comes from and who knows whether it’s right or wrong. It’s just what we have, it’s what we do, and it seems to work. The other person seems to enjoy the way we believe dating should go and then we get married. Now the thing about the marriage programming, it could be so much different than the dating programming. I’ve had so many women come in and say I don’t understand. When we were dating, he loved spending time with me. He would buy me flowers or bring me gifts. It was just so amazing, our times together but now that we’re married, he forgets my birthday, he forgets our anniversary, there’s no gifts, there’s no going out to eat. He seems to forget all those things and that’s just not the guy I married. What happened? Well, what happened is, he started acting on all of his marriage programming and all of the dating programming disappeared. So where did the marriage programming come from? From parents, watching grandma or grandpa, watching television, watching his peers and this could also apply to women in their marriage programming. How did they expect the husband to treat them now that he was a husband? Was that based on the way dad treated mom or maybe she wanted the opposite of the way mom was treated by dad. So, there’s so many things here too that need to be looked at but we’ll get to those later. Now let’s get back to the scenario. A perfect marriage ceremony does not make a perfect marriage.  I’ve literally had couples come back to me a week after the marriage and say they didn’t want to be married.  At the reception, the new father-in-law got drunk and made a fool of himself and my husband did not stand up to him and defend me. Please remember that when you marry an individual, you often marry a family. Did John and Mary talk about future plans?  Did they talk about children and how the responsibilities would be shared? Would the mother breast feed or would dad also be getting the bottle ready and feed the child? Did they talk about each other’s needs and how they needed them met? Did they ever think about how much they enjoyed being together when dating, which may not have been much time?  Did they realize that when they were married, they would be together when they were feeling good and when they were feeling bad?  What if the wife wants to go back to work a year after birth of the child or if she wants to finish college and work on a master’s degree?  What if she decides she wants to be a full-time mother? What if the husband believes he has to be a workaholic and supporting his family is his top priority, leaving little time for his wife and family? What does that say to a wife and her need for affection and communication? What does a husband do when his wife is so busy working out of the home, then coming home and having to care for a child, keep the house clean and often be the one who has to cook, and she has no energy to meet his sexual needs? Where are the deposits that use to come freely with no thought?  How has it seemed that a few withdrawals have now added up to be major?  Is the account almost empty?  And what happens when there is nothing left, and the account is closed?  What happens when either one realizes that there is someone else in their life that has made more deposits in the love bank? Should you be concerned that your spouse may be tempted to have an affair if their needs are not being met?   The answer is yes.  So, let’s look at each other’s needs and how they need to be met so you can have an intimate relationship.  If you commit yourself to meeting each other’s most important needs, you will have a greater relationship than you ever knew was possible.  I know it’s true because I have seen it in couples, I have worked with, who came to me and said they had given up. After they learned their spouses needs and how to meet them, they found a happiness and joy they never thought could be true. By J Douglas (C)

What does I do really mean I was invited to attend a wedding a couple of months ago and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever seen. The venue was beautiful both inside and out. It was by a lake. There were four photographers walking around taking pictures of the wedding party before the wedding, during the wedding and after the wedding. I can’t even imagine what it would be like going through all those pictures. But as beautiful as it was and as much money as was spent, because I heard the family spent $100,000 for this, I was just wondering as I sat there, did this couple get good pre marriage counseling? Do they really understand, when they said I do, what they were saying? Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about here for the next few minutes. For guys … I do expect to be able to spend as much time with the guys as I always did before we got married. I do expect you, after you get home from work, to keep a clean house just like my mom did. I do expect you to have meals ready for me when I get home even though you work full time, and I do expect you to give me sex whenever I want it and as often as I want it. For the women, some of the I do’s maybe are, I do expect you to spend more time with me now that we’re married. I do expect you to take an equal share of responsibilities doing house chores. I do expect you to be a spiritual leader. I do expect you to understand me at all times and I do get to spend time at the club with the girls. I do want to spend all major holidays with my parents, and I do want you to watch hallmark movies with me. Now that may be a little bit too much to ask but these are just some of the I do’s that I have heard from couples as I’ve worked with thousands of couples in counseling so let’s look at a little bit more at that. The most important I do is this; I do give you exclusive rights to meet my most intimate needs. Let me read this again and I want you to pay close attention. I do give you exclusive rights to meet my most important needs. Too often when people get married it’s like, I expect you to meet my most important needs so look at the contrast between those two thoughts and talk about them for just a minute. When couples come in for pre marriage counseling I often ask what are your plans for the next few years and at what point do you plan to get a divorce.  No one is thinking of divorce during pre-marriage counseling.  So, I ask the guy to look at his fiancé and tell her why you’ll be a good husband.  Why should she marry you? Then I ask the lady to do the same. While most marriages in the beginning do not believe that they’ll ever end in divorce, either one can have an affair in the relationship and often that affair will lead to a divorce. Statistics show that it’s pretty common. That’s among everybody whether with religious convictions or not. An affair seems to be the best answer sometimes when needs are not being met.  Sexual unmet needs can turn into frustration and the guy thinks she just doesn’t like sex, so he begins to look for another way to have his needs met or live with sexual frustration. A wife expects her husband to meet her needs for intimate conversation undivided attention that she craves and if not met it leads to frustration and maybe she looks for someone else to meet that important emotional need. Marital breakups happened frequently when their needs go unmet. How are you to meet someone else’s needs? This is one of the questions I want you to talk about when I finish. So often you come into marriage, and you expect your spouse to meet your needs instead of really focusing on how you can best meet theirs. So how do you learn to meet their needs? The most important way for a husband and wife to continue to stay happy in their marriage is learning to meet the needs that are most important to each other. In another podcast, I will be discussing some of your most important needs. We’ll look at the five most important needs for men and women that’s mentioned in the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley. What you need to understand is that those mentioned in the book may not apply to you, but you really need to talk about what your needs are and even more important, after you find out what they are, the other person needs to know how to meet them. That’s what we’re going to talk about in following podcast.  So come back, looking for more. By J Douglas (C)

J Douglas speaking below

Well, now that you’ve written down what your five greatest needs are and your spouse wrote down what they think yours are, before we go any further to look at those, we need to talk about the love bank. Again, under the same authors of the book, I’ve already mentioned the love bank is what each one of us has. Each one of us has a love bank account for everybody we come into contact with.

We either put deposits in the account or we’re taking out of the account. So you need to realize, and I’m not gonna pick on husbands, but especially husbands, but wives also, everything you do, everything you say to your spouse is either adding to the love bank or subtracting from the love bank. And like any bank, you know, after you had so many withdrawals, the account’s empty and they close the account.

And that’s what happens to so many people. They’ve got so many problems in their relationship and they don’t know answers for it, and finally the accounts are closed and they just don’t wanna deal with the other person. So we’re gonna talk about the importance of the love bank.

So just think about something you may say, and we’re gonna be talking about this later in communication, but something you may say that may be a withdrawal from your love bank. Write that down, okay? And then I’m gonna want you to share that with your spouse here in just a little bit. And spouses, when you see what they wrote down, ask them to explain to you why that is a withdrawal.

Because usually to us, we see our needs and we’re assuming everybody else is gonna be like ours, and that’s just not the case. I mean, God created us so different, which is a blessing, it’d be sad if we were all alike. It means, you know, if three of us were like me, two of you aren’t needed, and I’d hope it’d be you two that were taken out, not me.

So in understanding the different needs, I want you two to talk about this. After you’ve written that down, and then also write on that same list so you can do this, what would be a deposit? What could your spouse do or say that would be a deposit into your love bank account? Write that down, and then we’ll talk about it.

J Douglas Below

Okay, today we’re gonna be talking about your needs and what your greatest needs are. There’s a book called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, and I’m gonna ask you about some of these needs and say where you’d put them. Okay, first place, let’s just write down, guys, I’m gonna give you a blank sheet of paper.

I want you to write down what you think your wife’s five greatest needs are. Ladies, I want you to write down what you think your guy’s five greatest needs are. I’m gonna give you a minute to do that, well, probably a couple of minutes, and then when you get finished with that, we’ll go on from there.

Okay, first place, now that you’ve written those down, if you have room, turn the paper over, and if not, I’ll give you another sheet of paper, because now on that piece of paper, ladies, that you wrote down what you thought his five greatest needs are, I want you to take time to write down what your five greatest needs are. And sometimes ladies have trouble finding five needs to be able to write down, but I want you to try to write down what you believe are your five greatest needs. So guys, on your sheet of paper, turn it over, write down what your five greatest needs are.

And when you get finished with that, then I’m gonna tell you what to do with it. Okay, now that you’ve finished your list, I want you to exchange papers with each other. And while you’re getting ready to look at what your spouse thinks your greatest needs, let me just say this.

Guys, I don’t want you to feel stupid and dumb, because you probably don’t have a clue what your wife’s greatest needs are, because most guys don’t have a clue until they actually come in and learn what those are. And ladies, don’t be upset if they’re not close to what they are, because again, it’s just a guy thing. No one’s ever trained guys how to understand women, and that’s what we’re gonna take time to do, is help you both understand each other and what your needs are.