Her Diary:
Dear diary, tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say,” I love you too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep- I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure out why.
I have had so many women ask, “Why won’t my husband talk to me?” And one answer is, men do not seem to have as great a need for conversation as women do. Women can enjoy conversation, just for conversations sake. They can spend hours just talking to friends or family. While men rarely call each other just to talk.
I remember the many fishing trips I’ve taken with another guy and when I got home, my wife asked me what we talked about or how is his wife. I never went on the trip to find out how his wife was and talking does not catch fish. We could ride for hours and not say more than 10 words. And once we arrived at the fishing hole, we only talked about who caught the first fish, who would catch the most and the biggest.
Women often wonder why, when they were dating, the guy would talk to them about their life and their family. Probably because he wanted to get to know her. And finding out about her family, is important in knowing more about her background and understanding more about her programming. Also, the more he knows about her, the more he will learn about how to attract her.
Then they get married! Now, this is not always true but, once he has convinced her to marry him and they get married, he doesn’t seem to need the conversation time with her. He set out to win her, or maybe in an unconscious way, to conquer the prize he wanted and now that they are married, he doesn’t have to work on it anymore. Now he is looking for a new prize to gain or capture. Often this will be his career, a hobby or something to save money for, like a boat, car or a new set of golf clubs.
He fails to understand that his willingness to spend time, in intimate conversation, was a major reason she became so attracted to him. With this now removed from her daily life, he is making withdrawals from her love bank (see podcast on love bank). And he has no idea that he is risking losing her love. And also, he is not realizing that he is making her very vulnerable to a guy who is willing to spend time in conversation with her. And while that relationship just starts with conversation, it may lead to an affair.
Because females are relational creatures, they want to spend their life with a man who cares deeply about her and for her. They want to be known by him and to know him. That only comes in time through intimate conversation. And it doesn’t stop after marriage. It must be a daily.
Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, says to find out how much time a couple should spend together in intimate conversation, he did a study with couples who were in love. He worked with couples who were dating, couples who had maintained romantic love while married and couples having affairs. For those who maintained their love for each other, they scheduled time to be together almost every day. And the time spent each week was almost always over fifteen hours. And the primary purpose of that time was to engage in intimate conversation.
Now I know what you’re thinking. With your schedule, that is impossible. And most women would be happy for her husband to spend 10 minutes a day. But guys, how much time did you spend giving your wives undivided attention when you were dating? And ladies, if you married a guy that never gave you undivided attention while you were dating, then why did you marry him?
And both men and women need to look at the time they spend in other activities and decide what their priorities are. You should always be asking the question, “Is what I do or say putting deposits in the Love Bank account or making withdrawals?” The undivided time you gave each other while dating, was making deposits into each other’s Love Bank accounts. How can you continue building those accounts?
For those who decide they don’t have the time to spend with each other, they risk losing their feeling of love for each other. When the woman no longer senses her husband’s care to give her the intimacy, she needs in communication and affection, she will lose all desire to meet his need for sexual fulfillment.
So, men, just as sexual fulfillment is a need and not just a desire, you must understand that a women’s need for intimate conversation is also a need and not just a desire.
We will continue our information on communication next time as we look at heading into the ‘danger zone’. By J Douglas