I’ve had so many couples coming to my office for pre marriage counseling and I’ve asked them what kind of spouse are you going to be? They say, “I really desire to be a good spouse.” Well let’s talk about that for just a second before we get into the top need for males and females. Your desire to be a good spouse is absolutely worthless if you do not get the training you need. I’ll give you an example: I used to always ask people if they would like to go to Hawaii? They’d smile and say they’d love to. I’d tell them I had always desired to be a pilot and I’d been thinking of renting a plane and I’d take them for free if they’d like to go. I’d tell them that I had always had a desire to be a pilot, but I’d never learned how to fly a plane. Suddenly no one wanted to go with me to Hawaii and I really didn’t blame them because that’d be pretty foolish to say that I was going to fly a plane just because I had a desire. So, desire is worthless unless you get the training and that’s what we’re going to talk about. The importance of getting the training you need to be a good spouse. So, let’s start with the greatest need for most women and for most men. Most men really don’t understand how to give women the affection they need and most women really don’t understand how to have meet the husband’s sexual needs. So many times, in counseling, I have had to explain to men that women and men speak different languages. Why? Because most men will say that if a woman’s greatest need is affection and his is sexual fulfillment, they are the same. No, they are not the same. But the guys say, “I’m really affectionate when I am having sex”. I’m sorry men, those two words have greatly different meanings. For most men, affection in marriage is synonymous with sex. For most women, affection is taking time to just be together. It’s a hug! A hug can say so many things to a woman, that she’s important and that he loves her. Guys we need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations. They just want to be important to you and for the wife there can hardly be enough hugs. Hugging again is a skill that most men need to develop to show their wife affection. It’s so easy, so simple. It’s one of the most effective ways to build the love bank account in their wife’s life. There are other ways to show affection to her. Give her a card or a love note for no special reason. But I must warn you, if you do not normally do that, she may think that you are up to something or have done something you haven’t told her about. Seriously, never forget to give her a gift for her birthday, and make sure it’s not a vacuum cleaner. And never forget an anniversary gift. I was briefing a group of guys that were getting ready to deploy overseas and after the briefing, they had one more day before they left. I told them to go immediately to the store and buy some cards to mail to their spouses. And I was sure to remind them to also buy stamps. Sometimes we forget the simple things. And to make sure they put a card in the mail the next day before they deployed. It paid off big time for those who did what I suggested. The wives could not believe that their husbands were so considerate. And the amazing thing was that every card that was mailed later on, made wives believe that their man had gone out of his way to find a place to buy a card while he was so busy at work. Now that thoughtfulness was putting deposits in her love bank. Another great idea is to leave love notes in a dresser draw where you know she will find them, much sooner than we would. And if she likes flowers, make sure to send her flowers, just because. I would send them to my wife at work and she was the queen of the day when everyone would see the flowers and ask her what the occasion was, and she would admit there was no special occasion. Now I have to admit, I probably made a few husbands uneasy, but I also was hoping I was teaching them. And here is another way to show her affection and that is planning a special night out. Now the important part is, you call the babysitter. I have to admit, that was something I really had a hard time doing. And also make sure her schedule is open that evening and she has not already planned a meal. Ok, here are a few more ideas. A sensitive husband should always open the door for her. And do it for other females when you have the opportunity. I have only had one woman tell me that she could get her own door. I have also opened the doors for ladies as they were getting into the car next to me. Sadly, they would look at their husbands and say, “At least someone knows how to be a gentleman”. And I would quickly get in my car and drive off before the husband came to thank me. Holding hands is another effective way of showing affection. Also, phone calls letting her know you are on the way home from work and asking if she needs you to stop at the store and pick up anything. From a woman’s point of view, affection is usually the greatest need she has and you meeting that need is the most important action you can give her. And men, you need to understand it usually has nothing to do with sex. Because you see affection as part of foreplay, you assume she feels the same way. And that is so far from the truth. I remember a lady telling me that she would not give her husband a hug when he came home because he would take it the wrong way. And it made me wonder how many men arrived home wondering why their wife didn’t care to hug them. Well, more to come on the most important need of a woman. By J Douglas